And he didn't write the phone book either

The last time I saw actor and SNL alum Jon Lovitz was a couple months ago, in a movie on HBO. It was a boxing film, The Great White Hype, and Lovitz played the promoter's sleazy PR man. But his real role was providing comic relief by prematurely diving behind couches every time the negotiations got tense. I believe at one point Lovitz wets himself.

This isn't the first time Lovitz has portrayed the hopeless coward. He plays it so well I knew, once a gun was drawn, that his character would be quickly seeking refuge under some piece of furniture.

This morning the Internet was abuzz about an item on Page Six, in which Lovitz surprisingly breaks out of type to administer a real-life beat down to fellow comedian Andy Dick.

Dick is a gossip page regular due to his nighttime antics, usually featuring a deep state of inebriation and the improper licking and fondling of unsuspecting males and females of varying degrees of fame. While it would be a stretch to say Dick is universally hated, a general consensus seems to have formed around him needing a good whupping.

A good whupping is what he got, according to Page Six. The reason for the dispute had something to do with the death of Phil Hartman and the theft of peach liqueur. But all that really matters is that it ended with Lovitz going barroom tough guy and grabbing Dick by his curly blonde hair as he beat his former News Radio co-star's nose into the bar until blood flowed.

With this new knowledge I wondered -- would I ever be able to look at Lovitz the same way again?

Luckily, the Internet coughed up another Andy Dick item later in the day. As in Andy Dick had been spotted in New York with a face that was not configured like it had recently been given four or five rapid introductions to solid oak. Then, rereading the Page Six item, I realized one of the main sources for it was Lovitz himself.

And suddenly . . .

So I was sitting at the bar of the Laugh Factory when a guy came over to me. In fact it was, um, Andy Dick. And we started talking. And he told me . . . he asked me if I wanted to be in his movie. So I said no way. Because he uh, he was responsible for the death of my friend Phil Hartman. But he just kept standing there asking. So I grabbed him. Yeah, that's it. I beat Andy Dick's head right into the bar. That's the ticket. . .

So it looks like one of Jon Lovitz's on-screen personas might be able to salvage the viability of his other on-screen persona. Is that synergy or what?

Update: Lovitz speaks! Really. He explains the assault on Dennis Miller's radio show. Very funny. True? You decide.