Wednesday, July 18, 2007

But will they call her Lucy or Eve?

We've all heard about how the giraffe got its long neck. While it might not actually be as simple as a need to reach high hanging food -- maybe, given its already long legs, the giraffe developed the long neck to allow it to graze grass comfortably -- somewhere in the story of the giraffe and the elongated neck is an illustration of what the godless and unsympathetic like to call evolution.

Lately there has been speculation in some scientific quarters that, through the magic of mutation, evolutionary changes can occur faster than previously thought. Meaning the design of your biology might reflect some of the challenges your ancestors faced thousands of years ago. Not just hundreds of thousands of years ago

Which brings us to Lindsay Lohan. If you think Lindsay was sober during her 45 days in rehab think again. According to Star Magazine:

She uses ‘whippits,’ the tubes that you buy that contain nitrous oxide. She mixes that with the cold medicine Coricidin. Together they get you really wasted. At first, the counselors couldn’t figure out how she was getting high, but then they found the cold medicine and whippit containers under Lindsay’s bed.

Pretty clever. I mean the part before she hid the evidence under the bed. While I was aware of the recreational qualities of cold medication and whippits separately, I had never heard of anyone mixing the two. It's possible Lindsay invented the combination herself.

As for post-rehab, Lindsay has already volunteered to wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet. Who's to say, if she continues to feign sobriety, and is forced to keep shunning the traditional staples of inebriation, what cocktail of household products she will come up with next to get herself lifted? At this point we can only speculate upon the strange and fascinating ways Lindsay's body will mutate so it can properly synthesize Windex and apple seeds into euphoria, joviality and nudity.

But in a few thousand years, when the oceans have overrun the land -- yet instead of fretting about the indignity of drinking their own urine our descendants live in a state of perpetual bliss due to a potent intoxicant made from seaweed and positive thought -- they will know whom to thank.

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