Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The case for getting pets high

It's gotten to the point, with the British authority's comical inability to properly arrest and process junkie rock figure Pete Doherty, that Kate Moss's on-again off-again boyfriend could probably shoot up on the steps of Buckingham Palace without legal sanction.

But he is in a different kind of hot water today after the Daily Star tabloid screamed the headline "Doherty Cat Hooked On Crack." It seems one of the litter just born to Doherty's adult cat had fallen ill, and was rushed to the animal hospital where tests revealed the presence of cocaine in the kitten's blood stream.

It isn't known whether this positive test was the lingering result of a cocaine habit the kitten's mother had, or if the little fella got into Doherty's stash post-natally. And I'm not going to defend Doherty's behavior -- you shouldn't give crack to an expectant cat or a days old kitten just like you shouldn't give the drug to a human newborn or that 15-year old pregnant runaway you found on the side of the road.

But let's take a moment to discuss recreational drug use among mentally sound adult pets. Think of the thrill your dog gets when you give him a little piece of steak off your plate. Now just imagine how fast his tail would wag if you gave him a little line of coke off your mirror.

Look, I've been in rooms where the occupants' leafy exhale has clearly gotten into the system of Fido over in the corner. You know what a dog does when he is stoned off of the pot? He lays there half asleep -- just like he would be doing anyway -- only now the eyes are a little redder and he seems a lot more content.

Not that there aren't special considerations when getting your pet lifted. You have to take into account the lesser species always need less to get high than humans do. Or, as I always like to say, there is only one way to do smack with a hamster: Carefully.

You don't allow a seven-year old to drink beer not because a seven-year old wouldn't like the feeling of being drunk -- why do you think the swing set and the merry-go-around are such playground staples? You don't allow it because it is irresponsible to encourage a young person down a path towards addiction.

On the other hand, besides the guide dog or the carrier pigeon, pets have absolutely nothing to do with their lives. Who cares if Iggie the Iguana develops a debilitating five pill a day ecstasy habit? It's not like anyone was expecting Iggie to eventually find a job and feed, bath and shelter himself.

Pets can provide friendship, love and companionship. And, if you remain mindful of their limitations, pets can also be the best and most loyal party buddy you've ever had.


Anonymous said...

Song of Deborah

...They chose new gods; then was war in the gates... Awake, awake, Deborah: awake, awake, utter a song... the LORD made you have dominion over the mighty... Curse ye Meroz, said the angel of the LORD, curse ye bitterly the inhabitants thereof; because they came not to the help of the LORD, to the help of Justice against the mighty... Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? So let all thine enemies perish, O LORD: but let them that love him be as the sun when he goeth forth in his might. And the land rest forty years. Judges 5.

Deborah Palfrey deserves the Pemberton Award for Clean Governance.
Palfrey list is like the Black Book of 1918.
That Trial of the century is deleted from all books.
The list there had 47000 names.
The list here has 46000 phone bills.
The listed are not womenizers, machos or ordinary sinners.
They are power brokers, gay lutheran shock n awe blitzkrieg agitators of all wars and all panics.
These wretches are one dirty cover to the real pimps deep undercover.
A curse on the kingpins, Justice Charles Darling then and Judge Adolph Limbaugh Kramer Kessler now.

Noel Pemberton-Billing
Trial of the Century 1918

Anonymous said...

Who cares if Iggie the Iguana develops a debilitating five pill a day ecstasy habit?

I sure as hell do if I'm the one paying for them. Iggie can buy his own damn drugs like the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Yeeeeaaaah... Remember though that a non-human animal's biochemistry is different from a human's, so certain drugs should probably be abstained from on the pet's part. I dunno yeah basically don't let your pet OD or become a miserable junkie.

Anonymous said...

i believe the best case for not letting babies and pregnant women do hard drugs (alcohol, opiates, stimulants) is that it causes defects in the development processes of the brain.

now a perfectly healthy person can easily cause brain damage with these substances if used heavily, so a child can hardly fend off such poison.

further more, self moderated use of such substances can be quite fun :D