The case for getting pets high

It's gotten to the point, with the British authority's comical inability to properly arrest and process junkie rock figure Pete Doherty, that Kate Moss's on-again off-again boyfriend could probably shoot up on the steps of Buckingham Palace without legal sanction.

But he is in a different kind of hot water today after the Daily Star tabloid screamed the headline "Doherty Cat Hooked On Crack." It seems one of the litter just born to Doherty's adult cat had fallen ill, and was rushed to the animal hospital where tests revealed the presence of cocaine in the kitten's blood stream.

It isn't known whether this positive test was the lingering result of a cocaine habit the kitten's mother had, or if the little fella got into Doherty's stash post-natally. And I'm not going to defend Doherty's behavior -- you shouldn't give crack to an expectant cat or a days old kitten just like you shouldn't give the drug to a human newborn or that 15-year old pregnant runaway you found on the side of the road.

But let's take a moment to discuss recreational drug use among mentally sound adult pets. Think of the thrill your dog gets when you give him a little piece of steak off your plate. Now just imagine how fast his tail would wag if you gave him a little line of coke off your mirror.

Look, I've been in rooms where the occupants' leafy exhale has clearly gotten into the system of Fido over in the corner. You know what a dog does when he is stoned off of the pot? He lays there half asleep -- just like he would be doing anyway -- only now the eyes are a little redder and he seems a lot more content.

Not that there aren't special considerations when getting your pet lifted. You have to take into account the lesser species always need less to get high than humans do. Or, as I always like to say, there is only one way to do smack with a hamster: Carefully.

You don't allow a seven-year old to drink beer not because a seven-year old wouldn't like the feeling of being drunk -- why do you think the swing set and the merry-go-around are such playground staples? You don't allow it because it is irresponsible to encourage a young person down a path towards addiction.

On the other hand, besides the guide dog or the carrier pigeon, pets have absolutely nothing to do with their lives. Who cares if Iggie the Iguana develops a debilitating five pill a day ecstasy habit? It's not like anyone was expecting Iggie to eventually find a job and feed, bath and shelter himself.

Pets can provide friendship, love and companionship. And, if you remain mindful of their limitations, pets can also be the best and most loyal party buddy you've ever had.