Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Some of our Presidents were freaks

Scientists have just confirmed the left side of President Lincoln's face was much smaller than the right. A condition called cranial facial microsomia. Are there any other physical quirks of former Presidents that have yet to be made public? JSB breaks it down:

Lyndon Baines Johnson -- Superfluous fourth nipple
The third nipple is all the rage these days. British songstress Lilly Allen even whipped hers out during the filming of a game show last month. Johnson had the rarer still fourth nipple, and it was as Texas-sized as the rest of him. A crude man, Johnson was fond of showing his gigantic fourth nipple, which he named Clarence, to friend and foe alike. Any 60s era member of the White House secretary pool has a tale of recoiling in horror as Johnson burst in with his shirt undone and Clarence bearing down on her.

Warren Harding -- Relative of Mr. Spock
29th President Warren Harding was part Vulcan. But, as he was fond of telling his poker buddies, "not the good part." The 29th president, generally considered the worst in US history, packed a stunning amount of scandal and cronyism into his two years in office, before dying suspiciously. The only time he ever displayed the famous Vulcan logic that flowed through his partly copper blood was when he declared, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here."
James Madison -- Dorsal Fin
James Madison is the "Father of the Constitution." But he also had a terrible secret. A scaly tail that emanated from the small of his back. Madison was the first President to wear long trousers, as opposed to knee-breeches. While it was assumed this was because the longer pants made the 5'4 inch Madison appear taller, they actually gave him more space to comfortably hide his tail. Because of his shame, Madison's marriage to the stylish Dolly was never consummated, leaving him childless. Far from a brilliant tactical move, the Louisiana Purchase, which Madison arranged during his time as Secretary of State, was predicated on the soon-to-be President's life long desire to return to the swamp where he belonged.
Franklin Pierce -- Never really existed
After the nation survived and thrived during the three years unelected No-Nothing Millard Fillmore was at the helm, Congress decided it made no difference who the President was and appointed a feral dog named Rex to the office. Rex quickly absconded to the woods behind the White House, leaving Congress in the embarrassing situation of having to convince the public they were still being governed by a feral dog, even though the feral dog was nowhere to be found. Four years later the nation was set on a course towards civil war. The "Franklin Pierce" character was created after the war by the Free Masons in an attempt to forever whitewash Congress's horrible and extra-constitutional decision to appoint Rex. The man in the picture above is actually an Austrian pianist named Manfred. Presidential historians such as Dorris Kearns Goodwin and Robert Dallek know the truth, but don't dare cross the Masons. Their shame is a nation's.

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