Week 15 picks

I went 7-9 last week. Dumping me to 105-107-16 overall. I'm not sure if I've been under .500 since I started making picks on this blog. In response to my numerically assigned lack of worthiness, I will include, in my latest effort, even less actual football analysis than usual.

Denver at HOUSTON (-1.5) Downing a shot every time Bryant Gumbel misidentifies a player (or a whole entire team) might sound like a good idea for a new Thursday night drinking game, but it will quickly lead to a national pandemic of cirrhosis.

CINCINNATI at San Fransisco (+8.5) So I'm watching the George Mitchell press conference. He just spent a half an hour explaining what I could explain in two and half minutes. It is now clear the man brokered peace in Northern Ireland by boring both sides to death.

Arizona at NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) I'm not sure if Reggie Bush has been a good enough pro to qualify for the Ewing Theory, but the Saints do look a whole lot better without him.

Atlanta at TAMPA BAY (-13) Horrible team? Check. Terrible humidity? Check. Lingering question of what happens when an imprisoned franchise player returns? Check. Does anyone really blame Petrino for dumping the Falcons?

BALTIMORE at Miami (+3) Not only will the Dolphin franchise likely lose their only-undefeated-team-ever status this year, but the 'fins' 2007 version should go down as the only winless non-expansion team in over 60 years.

BUFFALO at Cleveland (-5.5) So Roger Clemens had to get someone else to inject him with his steroids, Jose Canseco style. Maybe if he wasn't such pansy he wouldn't have just got himself into this mess. (Speaking of Canseco , how annoyingly vindicated is he today?)

GREEN BAY at St. Louis (+9) I could be wrong, but so far I can not find Brady Anderson's name anywhere in Mitchell's findings. This calls into question the whole thing.

Jacksonville at PITTSBURGH (-3.5) Lenny Dykstra's is there though. Which is reassuring.

JETS at New England (-24) Football videotape scandals. CIA videotape scandals. The camcorder was invented for sex videotape scandals.

SEATTLE at Carolina (+8) I've always said, if humanity lasts long enough, eventually some school custodian is going to be singing Guns n Roses's "Welcome to The Jungle," not realizing his voice is being broadcast over the school's intercom. And then some teacher is going to hear the custodian singing part of the song that goes "you're in the jungle baby, you're going die," causing her to freak out, barricade herself in her classroom, and call the police on what she perceives is a threat on her life. Anyway, that just happened in Connecticut, so I guess I was right.

Tennessee at KANSAS CITY (+4) The perils of not playing fantasy football: I had no idea Larry Johnson got injured and hasn't played in five weeks.

INDIANAPOLIS at Oakland (+10.5) Barry Bonds, soon to be announced DH for the 2008 Oakland Athletics, is having a very, very good day today.

DETROIT at San Diego (-10) Now the other players are going out of their way to pick on poor, scrawny Shawn Merriman. At least Miguel Tejeda knows what he is going to be soon up against.

PHILADELPHIA at Dallas (-11) If the completely insane grandstander Alan Keyes is allowed to just show up at the Iowa debate even though he isn't thought to be running for president, does that mean the completely insane grandstander Keyshawn Johnson is allowed to just show up on the field Sunday even though he isn't thought to be playing anymore?

Washington at GIANTS (-4) Todd Collins is to Tom Collins as Jeff Daniels is to Jack Daniels.

CHICAGO at Minnesota (-10) Vikings' QB Tarvaris Jackson threw a touchdown pass last week, and exciting Chicago return man Devin Hester almost makes up for the Bears' historic lack of offense!