Dick disappoints

Last night Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery. This is far from the first time Dick has been arrested, or has battered sexually, but it is the first time he has made his way onto the police blotter by combining his two passions.

When the story broke on the wires a couple hours ago it offered no details other than Andy Dick had been arrested for sexual battery.

It happens to be, when it comes to sexual battery and Andy Dick, the specifics of the assault would be of the utmost importance. That is because the bisexual terror has a long history of biting, urinating upon, licking the face of and exposing himself to both sexes, all ages, and the famous as well as the anonymous. In the past Dick has also had no problem leaving his Hollywood home and practicing his unique brand of public perversion in podunk towns such as Cleveland, Ohio and Edmonton, Alberta.

As I waited for more information, I speculated upon the details that would emerge: I was pulling for Dick rubbing his genitals against an 80-year old man outside of a nursing home in Jackson, MS during broad daylight.

What I got instead was Dick feeling the breast of a 17-year old girl outside of a Los Angeles-area Buffalo Wild Wings at 1:15 AM.

A sexual battery that it is easy to imagine an average run-of-the-mill celebrity pervert like Christan Slater committing. It adds nothing to Dick's legendarily bizarre body of work, and is quite disappointing indeed.

But here is a fun Dick fact that is sure to brighten anybody's day: His name really is Andy Dick.