Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Death Watch Update: Odds and ends

With Jack Nicholson well enough to attend the Golden Globes and flash his maniacal smile every time he was referred to as "the man," this death watcher has concluded the rumors of Jack's demise may have been exaggerated.

On the other hand, Fidel Castro's situation is getting murkier and, potentially, more grave.

The latest chatter is that Castro's Cuban doctors made the wrong choices during his intestinal surgery last year and he is dying a slow death as a result.

While the propaganda aspect of this theory -- it would be a delicious irony if Castro died painfully under the botched care of his nation's vaunted free health care system -- should raise a red flag with any seasoned death watcher, it does appear that Castro recently called in top doctors from Spain.

The CIA, which employs some of the finest death watchers on the planet, just shrunk Castro's life expectancy from "this year" to the "next couple months."

Al Davis, another long-time dictator of a rebel nation, is also in the Death Watch cross hairs. Last year, amidst rumors he was well on his way to seeing the great Raider in the sky, Davis hired Art Shell as the Oakland's head coach.

Shell's most prominent attribute is his ability and propensity to stand perfectly still for three straight hours -- making all those around him look like vital schoolchildren.

With Shell out after a year, the Raiders are in the process of hiring a new coach. When the announcement is made, I'll be checking for said coach's buoyancy. It will speak volumes on Al Davis' closely guarded health.

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