Friday, January 05, 2007

I'll be grateful when they are all dead

There is not enough hate on this blog. This makes me feel bad, especially when there is so much hate in the world. As 2006 turned into 2007, I promised myself I would be more hateful in the coming year. Consequently, all week I have been looking for things to hate.

Last night I noticed a couple articles that I found highly distasteful. Instead of thinking about other things, or contemplating the sunny side, I let this distaste simmer. When I woke up this morning I was practically boiling with hate.

The articles that set me off were about in-coming Democratic leader's Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Apparently, both Reid and Pelosi are huge fans of the band that went by the juvenile name of the "Grateful Dead."

In popular culture fans of this insipid jam band -- which, for thirty years, callously cheapened the great American musical forms of rock, bluegrass, gospel, folk, country and jazz with their endless "eclectic" free-form renditions of absolute crap -- are referred to as "Deadheads."

Reid and Pelosi aren't the only Deadhead political figures we have. Former Vermont Senator Patrick Lahey is a self-described Deadhead. So are conservative pundits Ann Coulter and Tucker Carslon. One-time Massachusetts Governor William Weld is also quite fond of saying how fond he is of the San Fransisco-born band.

I hate all of these people. In the coming weeks I will try to learn of negative details from their personal lives and trivial inconsistencies in their long public records and post them on this blog in hopes other bloggers will use this information to nullify anything these Deadheads ever say -- ever.

But as much as I hate Deadheads, I hate the Grateful Dead even more. I hate Jerry Garcia and Phil Lesh and the other guys whose names I proudly can't remember.

Did you know Jerry only had nine fingers? Well, I wish he had zero fingers, because then he couldn't have played his stupid guitar and made those stupid "trippy" noises that some people thought were songs but most people knew were blights on America and all of Western Civilization.

Well, Jerry's dead now, and that makes me very happy. Actually, not all of their songs were so bad. "Touch of Grey" is kind of catchy and, as an added bonus, if you tell a Deadhead "Touch of Grey" is you favorite Dead song they will become angry and despondent and start sounding like Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

You may wonder why I know so much about Deadheads and the Grateful Dead. When I was younger many of my friends were, unfortunately, Deadheads. I like to bring this up to them now that they are older and more mature, because it makes their faces turn red and their bodies twitch with shame.

I can only imagine what it feels like to realize you spent a good chunk of your childhood enthusiastically supporting an entity that brought so much blandness and boredom into the world. The urge to repent must be overwhelming. I know what I'll be leading with if I ever need to hit them up for money.

Yet, the Pelosis and Reids continue to flaunt their Deadhead credentials. They obviously have no shame. That's probably why they got into politics.

I promise to try my hardest to maintain my hate of all Deadhead political leaders, and will continue to hate them until the next generation of Phish or Dave Mathew's Band worshiping politicians capture my ire by being voted into office.

It is a hatred I owe to my readers and myself.


Sam said...

Fuck you. Thanks all I gotta say. Jerry and the Grateful Dead save souls. How could you be happy of Jerry's death? It brought great despair to many people and happiness to nobody except for cynical people like you whose stubborn one sided views make it impossible to consider other perspectives.

Anonymous said...

senseless hate like this is a problem in the world today, a dead head is the most neutral type of person there is