Thursday, December 28, 2006

End of the year crystal ball time

There is not a whole lot going on in this meat-in-a-holiday-sandwich of a week. So it seems like it is a good time to either reflect upon what happened in 2006, or predict what is going to happen in 2007. Since the former would take a lot research and a good memory I have decided on the latter.

But with a twist. I'm not necessarily predicting the big events that will shape our world in 2007. This is a list of ten topics that I might blog about, and you might read about on jsb in the coming year:

Celebrities adopt Eskimos

We'll start with the no-brainer. As global warming hysteria heightens, your better A-listers will fly their private jets to the North Pole and begin adopting/kidnapping Eskimo children --ostensibly to save them from drowning. In their new Malibu homes these young Eskimos will teach their assorted third-world siblings all sorts of new words for snow.

Many academics and public intellectual types will predict the decline of American power without offering up a remotely plausible alternative to it

Didn't it take like hundreds of years for Rome to fall? And the fall of the Roman Empire was supposedly fun. Come on public intellectual types, we're not even having fun yet! On a related note, the rest of the world will continue to adopt our trailblazing bad habits. Since they have already discovered the fat, the lazy and the violent, 07 will be the year the foreigners learn the thrill of over-hyping fake negative trends. In other words, there will be a lot of discussion in strange languages about Crystal Meth epidemics and how there is suddenly too much religion in public life.

This Obama fellow will get press

Having weathered the Obama hype and the Obama backlash, we are now entering the Obama backlash, backlash. The only place we can go from here is Obama backlash, backlash, backlash. And so on. If you are scoring at home, it's good for Obama when there is an even number of backlashes.

Surprise Major League Baseball dopers revealed

I'm not going to even try to dissect the legalese, but it seems like we are now on a path to where the names on the 100 plus positive drug tests from 2003 will be revealed to the public. It won't be much of a surprise if someone like Roger Clemens is on the list, but what if -- and this is based on nothing -- a Derek Jeter pops up. No matter what, we will be forced to rethink our animus towards Bonds and McGwire.

Beauty queens go wild

Not only -- with Miss America and Miss USA -- are there 100 state title holders, but many smaller municipalities and organizations crown beauty queens. What better way to promote tourism to Hillsborough County, FL then by having a smoking-hot Miss Hillsborough County simulate oral sex on random people in a crowded bar, and then post the photos on the Internet with links to other Hillsborough County attractions?

War will be more entertaining

2006 was all about wars in Iraq and Lebanon, and people seemed too invested to really sit back and enjoy the fighting on TV. I'm thinking a crazy, fun, hopefully intercontinental war will pop up in '07. Like maybe South Africa and Chile go at it over water rights. Speaking of which, I see that Ethiopia is currently attacking other nations. Remember when the Ethiopians were a bunch of stick figures, too weak to swat the flies away from their faces. So we send them food and money and this is what they do with it? That Sally Struthers is full of crap. I'd like to see her at The Hague, encased in glass.*

Joe Biden runs for President

I know, he already announced he was going to, but I hope, hope, hope Biden lasts the whole year. In this Youtube era of quick soundbite gaffes, Biden is the only politician we have who brings the length and breath of an old fashioned orator to his potentially offensive statements.

Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb have a quarterback controversy

This is predicated on a deep Eagles' run into the playoffs -- so I guess I'm predicting that too. Because, let's face it, everyone loves a quarterback controversy. I can't remember the names of my close friend's girlfriends and wives, but I remember small details of the great Danny White/Gary Hogeboom QB battle of '85. A Garcia/McNabb controversy would be especially fun because it involves the black-hole-like negativity of Philadelphia sports, race and, if Terrell Owens puts his two-cents in, sexual preference.

Lindsay Lohan Turns 21

I remember I stopped drinking two weeks before I turned 21 so it would be special. Actually, that had more to do with me losing my wallet and catching pneumonia. It still worked. I wonder how Lohan will prepare for her big day on July 2? I can only imagine what kind of partying will take place when it comes. Really, I can't even imagine. But I've circled the date on my calender.

Matt Drudge will be obsessed with weather systems, natural disasters, student-teacher sexual liaisons, Hillary Clinton, Israel, nuclear proliferation, stupid criminals and phallic symbols

And it will be the first site I check every morning, and refresh religiously all day.

Just like with my football picks, I implore you not to use these predictions in wagers involving currency, or your good word.

* It turns out Ethiopia is using their new money and robust health to gratefully attack our enemies for us. So I take back my negative implications. Sally Struthers is still full of crap though. Unless she has been working for the CIA all this time ...


jdmain said...

Ethiopia has given me new fodder for my friendly cab rides.

JT said...

If I remember correctly, you try to impress them with your knowledge of the Ogaden province.