Braving the slopes

On Tuesday, a judge in Nebraska sentenced a 5 foot 1 inch man to probation instead of prison for sexually assaulting a child.

The judge told the man, Richard Thompson, she thought his crime, sexual contact with a 12 year old girl, was worthy of incarceration, but concluded he was too small to survive state prison.

The sentencing has outraged criminal victim advocates, but has drawn praise from the National Organization of Short Statured Adults.

So did the judge err when she allowed Thompson to avoid prison?

I'm going to have to say no. State prison would be a pretty awful place for 5 foot 1 inch man convicted of a sexual assault of a minor (I know it's not supposed to be fun, but...)

I'm also going to assume the sexual assault was as "consensual" as contact between a 12 year girl and an adult can be. If it wasn't, I can't imagine the judge would have handed down the sentence she did.

True, we aren't a society that permits grown men to have sex with 12 year olds -- unless, of course, you happen to be Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley or Jimmy Page.

A wise man once said, "I know less about women than anyone in the world."

Words he may well have stolen from me.

Yet, even I know the adult women are not lining up to be with a 5 foot 1 guy.

Sure, that's no excuse, especially these days with all the free high quality porn available on the internet. We'll just call it a mitigating circumstance.

Now this analysis is all fine and dandy, but let's get down to brass tacks. What does this all have to do with me?

For as long as I can remember I've had a fear of going to prison.

Irrational, because I rarely engage in criminal enterprise. Still, it was my grandfather who first told me; we are all just a crazy hooker and an ambitious DA away from 20 to 40.

Scary, because my impression of what prison life would be like comes exclusively from shows like Oz.

From what I gather my pigmentation could work against me in a prison situation, yet I would have to do a good deal of resume fibbing to get in with Aryans. This would leave me in quite the pickle.

A pickle a judge might be sympathetic to, once they start tossing sentences on account of people being small.

I guess I'll be spending the rest the weekend planning what crimes to commit in about 8 years.

That folks, is what they like to call a slippery slope.

So where does it end ..?

Some might think this is a rhetorical question.

Actually, we happen to know the answer:

Horses banging monkeys.