National disgraces

I've never been a fan of the beauty pageant. Not only is it inconceivable that the contestants are even close to being the most "beautiful" in their geographic region, but any attempt to explain this discrepancy with the word "personality" is a craven attack on all women, if not mankind.

Needless to say, I had no idea there was a Miss Universe pageant over the weekend. But I did catch some of the recriminations surrounding a fainting spell the winner, Miss Puerto Rico, suffered right after receiving her crown. Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza claims she was felled by the bright lights and a gown made of pure metal, while others speculate it was from a lack of eating, ever.

It was probably a little a bit of all three. But I'm pleased to see there is some self-sacrifice involved in winning the title, and it's not all being freakishly tall, having a world class make-up artist and a "life coach."

So pleased was I, I checked out the 2006 Miss Universe website. Donald Trump took over Miss Universe a few years back and either he has stepped up contestant recruitment or hired some magical photographers because, while I can't say I was overly impressed with the looks of the weak-kneed winner, a lot of the girls were actually hot in the look-at-the-girl-over-there-she's-really-hot-I-wish-I-had-the-balls-to-talk-to-her kind of way.

Then I had a look at what passes for our "national costume." I guess it's a nod to our "cowboy" past, but it looks to me like something that would get you thrown out of the riding club and probably better society.

It's not even all that flattering to Miss USA, who was one of the hot ones (and normal sized!)

So, I took a look at a couple of other national costumes, to see what we were missing. As you can see I didn't make it out of the A's.

I didn't have to. I feel a lot better about our national costume now.

If you are Albanian or Antiguan you are correct in wondering why Donald Trump hates you so much.