Pimp Warren Steed Jeffs, G.O.A.T

I'm not a big fan of this whole glorification of the pimp that has crept from black street fable to popular culture as a whole. Reason being a real pimp makes his living off an ability to spot the bus stop runaway with the least self-esteem and then sweet talk her into a life of sexual servitude enforced by the crack of an elaborately decorated stick. Making pimps among the most horrible people on earth.

That being said, I'm not here to rock the boat, so if Madison Avenue is willing to accept Snoop Dogg as a pitchman, I guess the whole pimp thing is cool with me too.

So let's talk about the overwhelming pimpitude of one Warren Steed Jeffs, the recently detained head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. While I doubt Jeffs carries around a diamond encrusted cup, he does happen to be called "prophet" by about 10,000 followers.

Dealing in the flesh will allow the common street pimp to accumulate a collection of furs of mammal and shoes of lizard, but Jeffs was able parlay his stock of underage girls into complete control of two proper towns.

Jeffs's pimp hand was so strong that when the mayor of one of these towns tried to intervene and put an end to his pimp ways Jeffs had the mayor banished from the town. It is important to remember that this happened in twenty-first century America.

It wasn't like Jeffs completely shunned the trappings of the more traditional, less successful pimp. When Jeffs was finally captured -- he had made the FBI's ten most wanted list, a first for a pimp -- he was found in the mack Mecca of Las Vegas driving around in a pimp-preferred Cadillac.

Even though his story is out in the open now, I suspect it will be difficult, at first, for the pimp community to accept that a fifty year-old Mormon has made their Don "Magic" Juans and their Iceberg Slims look like puffed-up pikers.

But in time they will, and songs will be sung about Warren Steed Jeffs. In fact, if the dude has any flow at all, expect a hip-hop album, recorded from prison, with guest appearances by all of the relevant rappers of the day.