Friday, September 08, 2006

Are you ready for some football?

I offer these predictions a day late. But I swear I did not allow my knowledge of Charlie Batch's 48 touchdown pace influence them. In fact, I tried not to let anything influence them -- logic included.

Therefore, I need to paraphrase another famous prognosticator and implore you not to use the following for wager in any way, shape or form.

Eagles 10-6
If only AJ Feely had been an all-pro QB, T.O. could have cruelly mocked him too.
Giants 9-7 Can anyone tell me why Tiki Barber needs NFL direct ticket at his home?
Cowboys 8-8 I hear they have a receiver named Terrell Owens and a coach named Bill Parcells.
Redskins 7-9 Flutie-like Tom Cruise will be under center by week six.

Bears 10-6
On Oct. 16, Tony Kornheiser will utter "Sexy Rexy" on national (cable) television.
Vikings 9-7 From the land of ten-thousand lakes, a plea for calmer waters.
Lions 5-11 How they overlooked Matt Millen when they selected the new Ford Motor Co. CEO is beyond me.
Packers 4-12 By throwing across his body and into triple coverage Brett Farve makes us dumber as a species.

Panthers 12-4 They win the battle of the trenches with their linemen's distracting breasts.
Buccaneers 9-7 And the fans yell for Major Applewhite.
Falcons 7-9 In the land of the ten-foot receiver Michael Vick would be king.
Saints 5-11 Exciting Reggie Bush will whip the Superdome crowd into a Katrina-evacuation-like frenzy.

11-5 'Hawks blame refs for Hasselback's wardrobe.
Rams 7-9 With Brenda Warner and Mike Martz gone, the city of St. Louis seems Midwestern again.
Cardinals 6-10 Hide your injured shooting guard daughters, Number 11 (7?) is coming to town!
Forty-Niners 5-11 Have you heard the rumor? Alex Smith has small hands.

Patriots 11-5
. . . and Brady gets the girl.
Dolphins 10-6 Fins need to keep Culpepper off the bay and get Randy Moss in teal.
Bills 7-9 They say global warming will render Buffalo a beach town.
Jets 6-10 The running game suffers, but the clock management should improve.

Steelers 11-5
The next fluke Roethlisberger injury is sure to involve Cowher's chin.
Bengals 10-6 On the bright side, no Bengal was arrested sans pants.
Ravens 9-7 Something very, very bad happened to Jamal Lewis in prison.
Browns 4-12 Besides their burning hatred of Art Modell, Browns fans seem like such a balanced bunch.

Colts 13-3 Manning and Dungy reduced to trying to prove the kicker was the problem.
Jaguars 10-6 Something has always bothered me about Byron Leftwich's last name.
Titans 7-9 Request to schedule North Texas turned down by the league.
Texans 4-12 Their reason for not drafting Reggie Bush was what again?

Broncos 10-6
Fantasy football players unite, put out a hit on Shanahan.
Chiefs 9-7 Don't worry Herm Edwards is a Vermeil clone - for the first 58 minutes he is.
Chargers 8-8 Pussy defense can barely take bullets.
Raiders 3-13 Like everything in life, the Jeff George era proves too good to be true.

Wildcard: Giants, Bucs, Dolphins, Jaguars

Super Bowl: Panthers over Colts (If I'm wrong I want to be wrong with everybody else because I am insecure like that.)

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