Thursday, September 14, 2006

The world according to Stephen Baldwin

It's tough being Stephen Baldwin. Brother Alec has the talent and the psychotic rage, brother Billy has the mysterious aura and the smarmy good looks, and brother Danial brings a long rap sheet and a sweet tooth to the table. So what does that leave for Stephen -- besides the Pauly Shore-collaborations and the adult skateboarding habit?

Well, it looks like America's perpetual little brother, who turned 40 this year, has finally found his calling.

Stephen's latest project is promoting his own intoxicating blend of extreme sports and Jesus Christ through a skateboarding tour and a new book. He recently gave a colorful interview to Radar Magazine on being born Baldwin, born again and praying for Tom Cruise.

I have summarized the highlights:

* Stephen can't identify any of the seven deadly sins. Not only that, he gets wobbly on "sloth's" status as a proper word. Luckily he carries a dictionary to aid him in these potentially awkward situations.

* Admits to beating his children for not knowing their Ten Commandants yet he, himself, can only get to six.

* Unprompted, he compares being born again favorably to an "eight-ball of blow." Longs for a way to combine them.

* Would like to give Tom Cruise a "spicy roll of Jesus."

* Alec is not so good to speak to about politics -- but quite apt in discussing fart.

* Finds Howard Dean "frightening." (All right, that's not so weird.)

* Mel Gibson and Bono will be going to Heaven. Pauly Shore and Bill Clinton will be going to Hell. Alec goes to Heaven, but only because he can beat Stephen up.

So there you have it: Somebody has finally provided a good explanation as to why Alec Baldwin is such a hard-charging, bloviating ball of madness -- the man is actually trying to intimidate his way through the Pearly Gates.

Not sure if that works, but it does make everything clearer.

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