Friday, October 13, 2006

New math claims first victim

The Foley scandal claimed its next victim and it wasn't Dennis Hastert. Instead former Virginia governor and unlikely netroot-hero Mark Warner took the fall.

Many had touted Warner as a dark horse candidate for the '08 Democratic presidential nomination citing his centrist policies and fundraising prowess, while ignoring his hideous teeth. The "Anti-Hillary" officially ended his campaign before it began yesterday, claiming he needed to spend time with his family.

Of course by spending time with his family he meant he had known the company of
many interns and realized that would no longer fly.

Nobody thinks the Republicans are going to be able find a Democrat who was trying to bang boy pages, but everybody knows they will be able to find Democrats who have been having fun with girl interns. And they will withhold this information until it works most to their advantage.

Recent history shows a politician can survive one girl intern banged, or a handful harassed. But in the post-Foley environment any further intern excess will result in sudden political death and a trip to rehab.

I've analyzed the rest of the 2008 Democratic field in light of this new math:

Barack Obama -- They call him a "Rock Star. They say he's "inspiring." You know who likes "inspiring rock stars? 22-year old girl interns.
Verdict: Toast. Warner wants to trade videotapes.

Hillary Clinton -- A serial harasser of both sexes, Hillary pushes her unwanted attention to its focus-grouped limit and never beyond.
Verdict: Hillary sticks around as long as the vast right wing conspiracy knows they can beat her.

Al Gore -- Don't let that "I love earth" junk fool you. Al Gore is an extra-terrestrial with a set of needs completely his own.
Verdict: People get uncomfortable when they see him around penguins.

John Kerry -- If you got your internship because your daddy contributed a ka-zillion dollars to the DNC, Kerry will come sniffing around.
Verdict: Nobody likes John Kerry.

Russ Feingold -- The only single member of this group. Yet he seems an ethical fellow and might object to intern banging because of the whole "subordinate" thing.
Verdict: If you're not going to win you might as well have a good time.

John Edwards -- He wants you to think he bangs interns. Just like Bill Clinton did. Although when confronted, he'll try to pin it on Wal-Mart.
Verdict: If the electorate were like a jury there would be a lot more politician jokes.

Joe Biden -- Biden has probably sexually harassed every man, woman and child in the Mid-Atlantic. But nobody believes he meant to. Or he ever has the foggiest idea what he's talking about.
Verdict: Your 2008 Democratic nominee.

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