Thursday, November 30, 2006

Week 13 picks

BALTIMORE at Cincinnati (-3) Pro football on Thursdays? College football in mid-January? It was a long time ago, but the failure of the USFL is becoming more and more of a blight on the large-headed Donald Trump resume.*

San Fransisco at NEW ORLEANS (-7) His motivation may be to show up his estranged, politician mother, but the undersized Drew Brees can really quarterback. And, unlike a certain other undersized signal-caller, it makes no difference at all who Brees is throwing to.

SAN DIEGO at Buffalo (+6) Shawn Merriman tested positive for steroids and is celebrated in San Diego upon his return from suspension. Justin Gatlin gets kicked out of track and field for banned substances but gets a tryout with the Houston Texans. And Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire . . . Wouldn't steroids be more beneficial in football. At least the media is finally beginning to acknowledge this weird double standard.

NEW JETS at Green Bay (even) Maybe it's the bright national television lights that make Brett Favre color blind.

MINNESOTA at Chicago (-9.5) Despite Jesse Jackson's call for a boycott, sales of Seinfeld's season seven DVD are up 90 percent from sales of season six -- which was released the same time last year. On a related note, Bears' coach Lovie Smith has asked the Reverend Jackson to call for a boycott on Rex Grossman's quarterback rating.

Kansas City at CLEVELAND (+6) On another related note, after confirming Michael Richards is officially 100 percent non-Christ killer, despite his confused flacks claims otherwise (but, but he was practically raised by Jews!) Mel Gibson has offered his support to the former Seinfeld star.

ARIZONA at St. Louis (-6.5) The most confusing game of the year returns. This time Leinart is sporting a beard.

INDIANAPOLIS at Tennessee (+7.5) Vanderjagt Schadenfreude will be a distraction for the coach and quarterback, but as long as the defense tries to tackle Vince Young the Colts should cover on the road.

DETROIT at New England (+14) Too many points. Even though they beat the Bears Sunday, the gritty Patriots don't look like they are capable of blowing anyone out.

ATLANTA at Washington (-2) Vick should think about it this way: If he hadn't been such a disaster over the last month he'd still be morphing into the marginally-competent-quarterback-who-was-once-traded-for-LaDainian Tomlinson (and sort of for Drew Brees too.) So keep running Michael. The forward pass is for suckers.**

HOUSTON at Oakland (-3) One would think when Art Shell demoted offensive coordinator and long-time bed and breakfast proprietor Tom Walsh, it would be to a position involving hospitality, or at least laundry. Instead he made him tight ends coach. And Shell wonders why he is "being undermined from within."

Jacksonville at MIAMI (even) No one knows why first the sting rays, then the sea lions and now the docile amusement park whales have turned nasty. But everyone knows it was shedding the Culpepper that allowed the Dolphins to put up a fight.

Tampa Bay at PITTSBURGH (-7) The Bucs extended Chris Simms' contract despite his lack of a spleen. This precedent should be heartening to Roethlisberger, for he is sure to lose an organ before his current deal is up.

DALLAS at Giants (+3.5) When Plaxico Buress is the voice of locker room reason . . .

SEATTLE at Denver (-4) Combine and preseason wonder Jay Cutler gets his chance to save the Broncos. I'm completely not buying it.

CAROLINA at Philadelphia (+3) McNabb or no McNabb the Eagles problem is, sadly, their defense.

* Today the web is abuzz with reaction to the pompous columnist George Will going after the deranged Senator-elect and novelist Jim Webb for, among other things, misuse of the word "literally." "Large-headed Donald Trump" is the rare phrase that makes perfect sense whether used literally or figuratively. For that, I am quite proud.

**Surprise revelation: Those crazy folks who analyze trades in chat rooms are sometimes correct!

No comments: