Lohan vs. Strahan vs. audiotape

I hate to admit this, but I've always had a Pullman/Paxton thing going on with Lindsay Lohan and Michael Strahan. Yes, I know one is a large, male, black defensive end and the other a small, female, white actressy type, but their names are pretty similar and they do each have high-pitched voices and an affinity for nightlife and attention.

Nevertheless, it only takes me a moment to center myself and establish the guy sacking the quarterback is Strahan, and the gal stepping out of a limo with a short skirt and no underwear is Lohan.

It may take me more than a moment after what has gone on this week, with both Strahan and Lohan displaying rather baffling lapses in their understanding of the basic principals and ramifications of audiotape.

Lohan kicked things off early Monday morning by summoning in the flock of recording-device carrying paparazzi that follow her everywhere and telling them -- prefaced by the line "I'm saying this on tape"-- that fellow celebutant Paris Hilton recently poured a drink on her and then viciously beat her with the drink's glass. To drive her point home Lohan showed the paparazzi an imaginary bruise.

The next day Lohan denied Paris ever hit her and pointed the dirty finger at the paparazzi, accusing them of lying "about everything," and making Paris and her "hate each other."

At about that time, over on the East Coast, Michael Strahan was on his own radio show -- where the audio recording is implied. He was also on the warpath plainly accusing wide receiver -- the only position in America that rivals the celebutant for diva-like behavior -- Plaxico Burress of allowing a defender to intercept a pass by quiting on a play. A pretty serious charge in the world of professional sports.

Yesterday, when asked by the press about his explosive comments, Strahan vehemently denied saying anything "negative" or "divisive," and accused the press of fabricating a story to sell papers. Then he told the press he didn't care what they wrote about him and stomped away to finish off his hissy-fit with a good cry.

If these parallel anecdotes have sucked you into the Lohan/Strahan conundrum just remember: Lindsay Lohan is the one who could fit in the gap between Michael Strahan's two front teeth.

Although if you really watch that locker room video, it wouldn't be unreasonable to conclude that, in a stunning rebuff to the laws of physics, Michael Strahan could fit in the gap between Michael Strahan's two front teeth.