Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I won y'all

Yahoo, continuing its war against the month of December (alert O'Reilly!) crowned its top searches of 2006 today. The results were divided into categories such as top news story searches, top political figures searches, top sports team searches etc.

I've provided analysis of the celebrity-dominated top ten list of overall searches, as well as my thoughts on these high-riser's prospects for '07:

10 Lindsay Lohan 2006 just wasn't her year. She started strong, but ended on the verge of complete Andy Dick/Courtney Love-like meltdown that was as repellent as it was intriguing. The fact that she is aging in dog-years is not helping. Still, she is technically young and Lindsay's key for '07 is finding a happy place with her drug and alcohol abuse: One that will leave her slutty and without inhibitions, but still with the necessary semblance of coherence she lost in '06. If she can do that, and add say . . . a few nipple slips, she should threaten the top five next year.

9. Pamela Anderson The grand dame of Internet searches. Don't believe that bloated green fellow, it was Pamela Anderson who invented the Internet, and it's great to see her still getting credit for it. Pamela also reminds all of us old fogies it used to take a couple hours to download a 40 minute sex-tape. So much progress! All Pamela has to do to maintain her position in '07 is not die early in the year.

8. Chris Brown I'm assuming this isn't the deactivated Tennessee Titan's running back. Meaning I have no idea who this person is. I guess I could do a search on him, but I don't want to encourage his continued ascension. I'm hoping he (or she) will go away in 07.

7. Beyonce Knowles This one surprised me a bit. She is dating the rapper Jay-Z, but I don't think she ever does anything controversial or naked. Maybe this is a nod to good old-fashioned singing ability. The whole thing seems suspicious. Beyonce is the star of Dreamgirls, which is about to be released with Oscar buzz. That should give her a good jump on '07. To keep the momentum going, I recommend a plastic surgery scandal.

6. American Idol A television show. I assume it will be on next year.

5. Paris Hilton She is vile and despicable, yet Paris has proved a hard habit to break. While there are rumors Paris will explore her sapphic side in '07, I think maintaining her position requires nothing short of a drunken car wreck that results in multiple deaths.

4. Jessica Simpson In an obvious chasm between the world and me, I find Jessica to be downright scary looking -- and that's with the globs of make-up on. Nevertheless she has a worked hard to cultivate her image as America's foremost dumb blond, and she deserves everything she gets out of it. She probably needs to step it up in '07. The act is getting stale. I smell a sex tape.

3. Shakira Proof of the power of hip-shaking and America's growing Hispanic population. Shakira represents the future. But what will propel her to number one? Well, South Americans are notorious racists, and it is my belief Shakira is a racist tirade away from '07's top spot.

2. WWE It is no surprise a quasi-sport where pumped up men wearing tights preen and grapple is number two in the year we learned that everyone -- from cowboys, to congressmen, to clergymen -- is secretly gay. Until all gay men feel comfortable outside of the closet there will be a huge demand for WWE imagery.

1. Britney Spears Talk about finishing the year strong: In the past few weeks Britney has been involved in a high profile divorce, teased the release of a porn tape and most recently, flashed her vagina multiple times. Who knew the vagina flash is to a search engine competition as Mariano Rivera is to a baseball game? That's what '06 has taught us. No doubt, five-time winner Britney deserves her title. As usual, the road to victory in '07 goes through Britney Spears. And now, her vagina.

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