Oscar the Grouch was a chronic masturbator

There are things about Sesame Street that are lost on the young. Anyone over the age of ten knows Bert and Ernie, when not counting sheep or engaging in banana related pranks, are petitioning their local congressman on the latest gay marriage initiative.

And that Big Bird -- it's swell how they mainstreamed the retarded kid.

Don't even get me started on Elmo: His infantilism is only matched by his malignant self love. Not a pleasant combination. Especially when the temptation to rip his arms from his body, which would be a lot easier than separating a drumstick from a thigh, becomes overwhelming.

But the little red fella would probably like that, and ask you to give his legs the same treatment. Many narcissists are also masochists, but it isn't everyday you have one that takes his sickness to the point of immolation.