Monday, March 05, 2007

Death Watch: Dick Cheney

Ann Coulter and Bill Maher were once a couple. Last week they engaged in the kind of public one-upmanship that former lovers often do. Coulter started it by "outrageously" questioning Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards's vagina-preferring bona fides, while Maher followed by "shockingly" wishing (or, he says, not quite wishing) Dick Cheney dead.

Maher's comments were bookended by the Taliban's attempt on Cheney's life during the Vice President's trip to Afghanistan and Cheney's latest cardiovascular incident this morning.

Dick Cheney first entered into the death watch cross hairs in 1978 when he suffered his maiden heart attack at age 37. Ever the political animal, Cheney's next three heart attacks came during the election years of 1984, 1988 and 2000.

2000 was also the year Cheney ascended to the second highest office in the land. While he has been technically heart attack-free since, here is a quick rundown of some of the words that appear in Cheney's Vice Presidential medical dossier:

Coronary balloon angioplasty, Hotler monitor, asymptomatic ectopy, implantable cardioverter-defibrillator, atherosclertotic disease, endo-vascular procedure, and popliteal artery aneurysms.

As a certified death watcher I can -- in the most apolitical, actuarial terms -- declare Dick Cheney should be dead.

And that's not even considering Cheney's propensity towards sloppy gun play and the international terrorists and domestic message board commentators who have expressed extreme prejudice towards the VP's breathing habit.

So why, this death watcher asks, does Cheney still remain among the upright? The only conclusion I can reach is spite.

Dips in Cheney's approval rating actually trigger a hormonal reaction that results in his chunky blood dissipating. And whenever he is attacked by a polemic screed -- by a prominent figure like Maher, or that ever-so-well-adjusted man named "anonymous" -- an unique type of adrenaline boost permits Cheney's hybrid heart to steady in its push to power its plasma discharge through arteries caked thin with cholesterol, nicotine and the bone marrow of children. At the rate things are going Cheney will outlive us all.

Following this theme of spite, I also suspect, in a non-certified capacity, Coulter's comments will act to delay Edwards's own "shocking" announcement for at least a couple years.

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