Save Lindsay

I haven't been writing much about Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan lately because they both seem really out of control and I think one of them may die. I would feel bad if that happened, not because I have made fun of them in the past, but because I would just feel bad.

Not so bad as to cry, or otherwise upset what I was previously doing . . . so let's just put it this way: If Lindsay or Britney was found face down in an alley behind the Hyde, I'd feel worse than I would if I read about thousands of horrible torturous deaths in Darfur, or wherever else people are dying and we're famously not paying attention to.

There has been much speculation, of late, that the root of Lohan's self-destructive behavior lies in her "party mom."

Dina Lohan, 44, has been dubbed such because she is always out partying, and pulling party moves like way too many trips to the ladies room and public engagement in inappropriate -- even for today's pornified standards -- sexual contact.

Mrs. Lohan vehemently denies she is a "party mom, and told Harper's Bazaar:

Listen to me: Lindsay would drag me, literally drag my loser butt (to a club) and say, `I need you to know who these people are. . . She's in such a whirlwind; she's in a tornado. I mean, we're talking serious earthquake, you know?

We do know. But, while we can all sympathize with a woman who's birthed a magnet for natural disaster, the fact remains poor Lindsay has a father in prison and a mother who blames her own nightlife excess on her daughter. It is a dire situation for the star of Herbie Fully Loaded.

And there is not a whole lot any of us can do. It's probably best just to talk to your friends about how it's making you feel. Wallow in the sadness of life. Emote. Keep your fingers crossed.