When having opposable thumbs isn't enough

This weekend in Los Angeles, LG, a cell phone manufacture, will hold a contest to determine the fastest text messenger. LG's hope is a world record will fall, but the winner gets 10,000 dollars either way. Only 150 people have entered the event, giving it a good ratio of dollars to contestants, as such open-to-the public stunts go.

Before anyone thinks I am going to fly out West to try my luck I will, sadly, concede to being the world's slowest text messenger.

It had been my long-time hope that I was smidgen too old for texting-- a hope shattered about a year ago when my contemporaries began giving over to the technology.

Faced with the choice of learning to text or having no friends I reluctantly chose the former.

So far I've only been responding to texts, and doing so with words like yes, no or call me. But a couple weeks ago I found myself in a situation which demanded a more detailed kind of texting -- and speedy detailed texting at that.

I was in a crowded bar with a buddy and he struck up a conversation with a girl. Not long into their conversation the girl began to send and receive texts from her friend, who must have been somewhere else in the bar, on her thoughts on my friend.

Unbeknowest to the girl, I could read her texts without even turning my head.

So, being the dutiful wing man I had just become, I decided I would text my friend updates on what she was texting her friend -- giving him the kind of inside information that could mean the difference between a successful night and a bust.

The only problem was she whizzed off about four texts -- mind you she was also flirting with my friend and drinking -- in the time it took me to get my phone out of my pocket.

Once I figured out how to initiate a text message, which took longer than it should have, she had already knocked out enough dialogue for a shorter movie. Then I began writing -- and I simply could not bring myself to abbreviate words or leave blatant typos uncorrected. The whole toggling-to-find-the-letter thing was also proving quite tricky when attempted at a high speed.

In the time it took me to finish my text she had completely changed her opinion of my friend. Twice.

You know how when you look up into the sky at night you are actually seeing millions of years into the past? Well that's kind of like getting a text message from me.