As Paris returns to prison, JSB ponders infinity

I think it's safe to say the three queens of pop culture are Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Since I often cover pop culture on this space, I end up spending a lot time writing about the slutty triumvirate. I don't mind writing about Lindsay -- in fact I find her fascinating. I'm more neutral on Britney. As for Paris, every time I type her name I die a little bit inside.

Maybe that's because Lindsay is a legitimately talented actress, and Britney was a perfectly passable pop singer, while Paris has no discernible talent and, in my opinion, isn't particularly attractive, sexy or less than completely evil.

Anyway, in times like these, you have to write about Paris because she is where it's at. My favorite message board post to any Paris story that is prominently positioned on a mainstream media website is "why are you writing about Paris Hilton WHEN THERE IS A WAR IN IRAQ!!!"

This comment has always made laugh because, due to the virtually unlimited bandwidth of the Internet, it is possible to cover all sorts of stories at once. So scroll down and get your Iraq war fix, dolt.

That's not even why it's funny anymore. I think it's safe to say, by any legitimate measure of significance, Paris Hilton is now more important then the Iraq war or the presidential campaign or global warming or anything else the shrill message board ombudsmen whine for more coverage of.

Answer this: Can any of those "important" stories simultaneously shut down the news cycle and make a complete mockery of our criminal justice system -- all the while screaming for their mother like a spoiled five year old deprived of pie? I think not.

Paris is big. Bigger than the geographical Paris. Probably bigger than France. Maybe bigger than Japan. So big it hurts my head to think about it. The same way it hurts when I ponder the universe.

So I've given up. I now just accept Paris for what she is. Something I will never understand. Something that looms above and about us all. And, ultimately, something that gives me comfort.

*Yup, that's the grainy photo currently on the front page of every newspaper website in the world.

** Speaking of that photo, it turns out it was taken by Nick Ut -- the same guy who took the super famous Pulitzer Prize winning naked running napalmed Vietnamese girl photo, almost 35 years ago to the day. As a witness to history, the dude's like Forrest Gump!