Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris Hilton finds her match

Since I like to be clever, and since Scooter Libby was sentenced to prison on almost the same day as Paris Hilton began serving her jail term, I tried to my darnedest to think of a witty blog post connecting the two. Unfortunately, besides the goofy first names and the sex with Dick Cheney, the two don't share a whole lot in common.

Frustrated, I abandoned the project. Then, as I was reading an article about how the Feds have taken over the Michael Vick dog-fighting probe, it dawned on me. I was trying to pair Paris with the wrong legally challenged news maker. Because, when you get down to it, Paris Hilton and Michael Vick are practically the same person. You don't believe me? Consider this:

Social disease Although up to 20 percent of Americans have Herpes Simplex 2 you can't usually tell by looking at them. Unless they look like Michael Vick or Paris Hilton. Who have both pulled off the neat rare trick of inadvertently revealing their positive herpes status to the public. Paris by not paying the rent on a storage locker that housed, among other things, her medical records, and Vick through his hilarious Ron Mexico ordeal.

Animal cruelty Regardless of what the Feds find, if you don't think Vick is or has ever been involved in the vicious blood sport of dog fighting, well . . . I have a 5'11 running quarterback from Virginia Tech for you to take with your first pick in the NFL draft. Paris's dog cruelty is more subtle. But would you want to spend your life crammed in a tiny purse, only to be left defenseless and unfed when your mistress goes off to perform sex acts on Persian club owners and the relatives of Greek shipping magnates?

Extreme forgetfulness during travel Paris got herself into this whole mess by forgetting she didn't have a license to drive a car. Vick, no stranger to the absent mind, once forgot the water bottle he was illegally taking onto an airplane also had a secret compartment to illegally put weed in. Luckily, Vick also forgot to put his weed in the secret compartment.

Siblings Paris and Micheal each have a much less famous -- but still a little bit famous -- younger sibling who tries to follow in their footsteps. That would be Nicky and Marcus.

Sex with Cheney They don't call him Dick for nothing. What did you think goes on in an undisclosed location anyway?

Controversial gestures of obscenity with animal names When Vick wants to grab a large crowd's attention he raises his hand and flips the bird. Paris opens her legs and flashes the kitty .

Under qualification Look, I don't want to say Paris and Vick don't have talents -- Paris would be great in a hotel room full of 15 year old boys and Vick would be the finest smear the queer (are we still calling it that?) practitioner the grassy area between the basketball courts and jungle gym has ever seen. But, let's face it, based on their skill sets Vick has no business playing quarterback in the NFL and Paris has no business walking upright.

These similarities need to be noted and considered if and when Vick is sentenced for his crimes against caninity. Obviously, like his twin Paris, Vick would find prison drafty and suicidally depressing. So they might as well send him directly to house arrest. Only the house would be the one Vick owned in Virginia, but likes to deny ever being to. And the confinement would be restricted to the room were they found the doggy tread mills, the breeding rape stand and the blood on the walls and the carpet.

To spice things up there would have to be a bunch of hungry pit bulls let down there too. And Dick Cheney, smirking by the rape stand.

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