Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Pants test fails the Hippocratic Oath

Delcrambe, Louisiana is about to become the first jurisdiction in the United States to criminalize saggy pants. Last week the town council approved an ordinance which sets penalties up to six months in jail and a 500 dollar fine for wearing pants that fail to cover underwear or certain body parts.

It's now up to the mayor to sign it into law -- something he has said he will do.

In discussing the ordinance Arthur Roy, the councilman who introduced it, was quoted as saying "I don't know if it will do any good, but it won't hurt."

I beg to differ with Councilman Roy.

While it would be unfair to say all saggy pants wearers are criminals, or even that all criminals wear saggy pants, there is clearly a strong correlation between modern criminality and pant waistlines that hang lower than their traditional resting place.

Not only are saggy pants a valuable tool law enforcement can use to profile potential crooks, but once caught in criminal activity the saggy pants law breaker has little chance of escape, as sudden movement will drop the garment in question towards the ankles, thus making any attempt to flee wobbly and ineffective.

While it would be nice to think that once saggy pants are outlawed only outlaws would wear saggy pants, in actuality just the stupidest of outlaws would continue with the sartorial trend. Decently witted criminals would immediately hike their pants up and tighten their belt, thereby forcing them to blend in with the law-abiding populous. Not to mention freeing them up for cleaner getaways.

If there is not already a Hippocratic Oath that applies to cranky attention-grabbing local ordinances, there certainly should be.

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