Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Search engine queries are a window into humanity

While I appreciate the traffic search engines bring to this space, I do feel bad that my blog rarely addresses what searchers were actually seeking when they inquisitively clicked through. That in mind, and because it is a slow news day, I've extracted from my visitor log the most interesting and ridiculous search queries of the afternoon, which I will address below:

It is hard to believe how many variations of this question I get every time I check. So yes, Torrington, once and for all, old people are bad at driving. Very bad. On related note, fat people do not excel at ballet.

If you find yourself making such a desperate electronic query, it probably means the powder cocaine has been hopelessly lost. Either that or it was stolen by the sketchy friend of a friend who ended up in your apartment, talking your ear off, until 9 AM last Friday. I commend Riverhead for being the type who can, in theory, keep powder cocaine in reserve, but recommend next time it be stowed in a safe secure place -- like a sock drawer.

You will never learn drug etiquette by sitting in a chair in front of your computer. I'll tell you that much, young person from Houston, Texas. So get out of the house. Do drugs. Do drugs with different people from different backgrounds. Link up with Riverhead. It will seep in.

The length the Italian people will go to keep their birth rate down continues to astound.

This one baffled me. So fascinated was I, that I Googled "root of lohan" myself, and found that I am the only person in the history of the Internet to have published those three words in that order. By publishing them again, I believe I've secured this awesome legacy forever.

North Liberty isn't the first Google searcher routed to JSB to allege Henry Kissinger's legendary career was aided by taking the performance enhancing drug HGH. Click the shrunken log entry above, and it will enlarge to reveal the widely held suspicion that Kissinger's plenipotentiary aplomb and textbook realpolitik were results of more than just good Ashkenazi genes and a Harvard-sharpened brain.

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