Monday, July 09, 2007

Anthroponym is destiny

It's no secret that if a parent gets overly cute with the spelling or pronunciation of a newborn girl's first name it greatly increases the likelihood she will grow up to work in the sex industry.

Much like the trailer park/tornado conundrum that has vexed social scientists and meteorologists for decades, nobody has been able to definitively prove causation between nontraditional but bubbly names and the selling of the body. But there is far too much evidence of the phenomenon to dismiss it as mere coincidence.

Of course it could be the professionally naked Jaynas, Kaylynns and Tiffanis of the world once had more traditional names -- which they changed upon making their revealing career choice.

If this is the case, it would totally upset the correlation I was getting at. But, it would seem to me, now that a long parade of woman named Jeyden and Tawni have plied their trade on the pole or in the sound studios of Ventura County, a woman who desired to exude exotic escapism, in this day and age, would be better off re-branding herself Gertrude or Ethel.

This is all to say I was just reading an article about how Chicago Bear Brian Urleacher was having some nasty baby momma drama with a woman named Tyna Robertson. Tyna, not surprisingly, once made her living as an exotic dancer. She is best known for suing dance lord Michael Flately for 35 million dollars, alleging rape and causing everyone to think again about the sexuality of flamboyant male dancers. She did not win her case.

Tyna, which could be pronounced Tina or Tie-na (I guess), is not among the top 1000 names for any year of birth in the last 15. But it is a name that would shine if placed on a neon billboard by the airport.

In fact, by entangling herself legally with a step dance legend as well as an all pro linebacker, I'm prepared to declare Tyna Robertson the most successful Tyna of all time. An achievement, given the societal limitations of the name, I doubt will ever be matched.

*I couldn't find a picture of Ms. Robertson, but above is what I imagine her lower back looks like.

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