Monday, August 27, 2007

Idle threat of the week (video version)

Because I'm still flying solo on the idle threat of the week pickings, and because we are so far into the dog days of August even a beleaguered Attorney General thinks he can sneak a much anticipated resignation past the rabid hoards of the ever-expanding fourth estate, I present to you the first ever video idle threat of the week.

In this clip, which is currently sweeping the Internet like a blonder haired, higher voiced Chocolate Rain, Miss Teen South Carolina produces more laughs in about 35 second than Kathy Griffith has in her entire painful career.

When Lauren Caitlin Upton is asked why she thinks one in five Americans can't locate the United States on a world map she:

* Attributes the problem to some people "not having maps."

* Refers to the citizens of our nation as "US Americans."

* Refers to a Middle Eastern country often in the news as "The Iraq."

* Is probably the first person in the history of English to say, in succession, the words everywhere like such as. She is definitely the first person in the history of English to end a sentence with an everywhere like such as.

* Posits building up America's education system will help "South Africa, The Iraq and the Asian countries."

What does this have to do with an idle threat, you may ask?

The ditzy blonde beauty queen has been a popular culture archetype ever since the dawn of beauty pageants or popular culture. With her performance at the Miss Teen USA finals on Friday, Lauren Caitlin Upton has permanently put to rest the idea that a team of comedy writers -- with their Red Bulls and their Ivy League degrees and their preconceived notions on improper syntax -- could ever properly channel the hilarious and fascinating thoughts of a scatter-minded young woman from Lexington, South Carolina who gets crazy by para-sailing at Myrtle Beach, and who suffers from a tragic brain injury typical of those who have spent much of their life exposed to aerosol borne hair hardening products.

All attempts to do so will from henceforth be declared Idle Threat of the Week for August 20-26th. And may Lauren Caitlin Upton, who managed to finish third runner up in the competition, live in YouTube infamy forever.

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