Spears to be first white trash Attorney General

With dog-killing running quarterback Michael Vick copping a plea and finding Jesus, and kitten-drugging junkie singer Pete Doherty now assigned to some sort of criminal supervision, I would have thought we would be done with stories about celebrities abusing pets until at least September.

But over the weekend Britney Spears kept the man-beast love going by getting herself investigated by the SPCA for dog abuse. Furthermore, proving the axiom that those who abuse their pets go on to to even more serious forms of maltreatment, yesterday we got word Britney is also being investigated by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services for child abuse.

Of course these are just allegations, and nowhere in the vague charges do we see ominous phrases such as "rape stand," or "whetting down and then electrocuting."

Still, if it is proven Spears abuses dogs and children -- and we already know she has abused our eardrums and many a pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream -- what could there possibly be left for Britney to abuse?

My sources tell me George W. Bush, in a strident kiss off to his critics, will on Friday name Britney Spears as the next Attorney General of the United States. Freeing the former pop princess to abuse our Constitution and our democracy in more or less the same way way that critics have been hysterically claiming her predecessors did.

A recess appointment, Spears will make an immediate splash by declaring martial law in an attempt to lock down our nation's supply of Cheetos.

However Britney will emerge from her long bellyache with a more humble agenda, and the rest of her term will be marked by nonsensical blog posts on the Department of Justice website and unprecedented cabinet-level use of the contraction "y'all." The republic will survive as it always does.