Today in bad days

Friday is supposed to be the best day of the week. There is even an American casual dinning chain based on this principle. But a bad day can come on any day -- even a Friday. For example, I'm having a bad day today. I slept way too much (an underrated sleeping disorder) and there is something wrong with the series of tubes connecting my computer to the rest of the Internet. Right now the whole world appears like that unfocused shaky sound the disembodied voice of Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

When I'm having a bad day I like to figure out who is having a worse day than me. Then I feel better. The Germans call this schadenfreude, and there is no direct English language equivalent. Luckily a few prominent people have stepped up:

George W. Bush Bush is in Australia, and I have no idea what day it technically is over there. But I do know in the last 24 hours Bush has had himself a tough time. It started during a speech at the famous Sydney Opera House in which Bush 1) wishfully called APEC (Asia Pacific Economic Corporation) OPEC (those dirty land lottery winning third world monopolists) 2) referred to the army of a country so loyal to the United States that it would stand by us if we decided to attack Canada as the "Austrian" army and 3) wandered off the stage in the wrong direction. Bush was headed for a spill into the orchestra pit before Australian Prime Minister John Howard saved him.

Bush followed up his disastrous speech by inadvertently declaring war on South Korea. Currently Bush is hung over, but resting comfortable.

Norman Hsu I haven't been following this story at all, because the political guilt-by-association gotcha stuff bores me to tears, but did you know Hsu is literally a fugitive from the law? As in there is a warrant out for his arrest, and has been for fifteen years. I tried to think of gratuitous activities that are stupider for a fugitive to engage in than high profile national political fund raising. After actually running for political office and appearing on a reality TV show (which has happened more than once, unfortunately for the human race) I couldn't think of any.

This Guy I can't confirm this happened today or on a Friday at all, but, speaking of dumb criminals, This Guy tried to rob a bank with a cop right behind him. If you turn the volume up you can hear the other bank patrons talking college football and then laughing at the would-be thief.

Rick Ankiel Just yesterday comeback story of the century Rick Ankiel was getting 7 RBI's in a game and making sterling plays in his new position of center field. He really was Roy Hobbs, and was even putting up the kind of numbers last seen in the montage during the movie version of The Natural. Today it is being reported Ankiel bought a year's supply of HGH in 2004. It could very well be Ankiel turned to HGH at a time when his personal and professional life was in shambles, and he is totally clean now. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this is the case. But there is no room for performance enhancers in fables or fairy tales.

But there is always room for them on a Friday, thank goodness.