Week one picks

Football season is here! My feelings on a nation's impending descent into NFL madness are mixed. Something I may expand upon in the next few days. Or may not, as I'm beginning to fear Roger Goodell's Stern-like grip on all things NFL related. Anyway, if you really want to gamble you should use teasers and parlays and all sorts of other techniques I know nothing about. These picks are just for fun. Especially this week, because before last night I don't think I've had more than two thoughts on professional football since January.

New Orleans at INDIANAPOLIS (-6) At this point I'm sick of the city of New Orleans, sick of the Saints and sick of that thing on Drew Brees's face

Giants at DALLAS (-5.5) It turns out meanie Tom Coughlin robbed shiny happy person Tiki Barber of the "joy I felt playing football," and forced the running back to retire prematurely. If Barber's television career is anything like I think it will be, we will soon all have good reason to hate Coughlin like his players do.

DENVER at Buffalo (+3) Travis Henry is this year's winner of the coveted Bronco halfback spot. I see 1700 yards and 15 touchdowns in '07. Then, in '08, I see a Washington Redskin jersey after Dan Snyder offers Denver Sean Taylor, a first round pick and the rights to Suri Cruise for the journeyman runner.

Kansas City at HOUSTON (-3) In about five years -- in a nursing home somewhere -- David Carr and Matt Schaub will get together, compare notes on what the retractable roof over Reliant Stadium looks like and cry.

Tennessee at JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) The Jags stunning release of Byron Leftwich is yet another example of the heartless corporatism that is the National Football League.

ATLANTA at Minnesota (-3) If Joey Harrington wasn't currently their QB, there would be a lot of talk of how the Falcons are better off without Vick. (I still think there may be something to it.)

NEW ENGLAND at Jets (+6.5) It will be interesting to see how Tom Brady works with genuine receiver talent for the first time in his career.

DETROIT at Oakland (+1.5) Did you hear Hugo Chavez is trying to push legislation that would force Venezuelan parents to chose from a list of 100 government mandated baby names? As madman initiatives go, I like. Maybe if we were doing that over here number one pick Jamarcus Russell would simply be Jonathan Russell. And then maybe he would sign his first professional contract before the season started -- like the Calvin, Joe and Ted Ginn Jr.'s do.

PHILADELPHIA at Green Bay (+3) Andy Reid still wishes he had a #1 receiver, daughters.

PITTSBURGH at Cleveland (+4.5) All Browns fans hate the Steelers with an undying, calender circling passion. Some Steeler fans know that Cleveland is in Ohio.

Chicago at SAN DIEGO (-6) Last year's Super Bowl losing Chicago Bears are this year's shoe-in for the Keith Moon memorial Going Down Like a Led (Lead) Zeppelin award.

TAMPA BAY at Seattle (-6) It's like every time you turn on the TV you hear something about Mexicans flooding into America or men trying to have sex with other men. Which sort of makes gay (but married to a woman!) Mexican Jeff Garcia the national prototype for the 21st century.

CAROLINA at St. Louis (-1) Despite the off-season adventures of Vick and the Pacman, Leonard Little remains the only current NFL player to have killed another person.

MIAMI at Washington (-3) It's Gibbs's put up or returning to stock car racing year.

BALTIMORE at Cincinnati (-2.5) Fine, the Bengals continue to get arrested at about a one per month clip. But this isn't a basketball team we are talking about here. I don't think people realize -- with the special teams, the IR, the practice squad etc -- how much personnel a football team carries. Substitute "a football team" for "Republican politicians" and this line of reasoning could also be an effective excuse for party leaders when the next scandal hits.

Arizona at SAN FRANCISCO (-3) I may have touched on this in my picks last last year, but Matt Leinart still has a long way to go before he knocks up women of the overall fame and quality that Tom Brady is able to impregnate.