NFL Week 13 Picks

I went 7-9 last week. Bringing my overall record to 80-80-16. Perfectly average. Like that assistant plant manager in Peoria who drives a Ford F-series pickup and likes to try on pantyhose when the wife goes over to her sister's house. I will try to spice things up this week, one way or the other.

Green Bay at DALLAS (-7) This week Wisconsin-bred Tony Romo revealed he didn't worship Brett Favre growing up. Favre's groupies now wander their press boxes aimlessly, just trying to understand.

Atlanta at ST. LOUIS (-4) Gus Ferrotte's fumbled snap, fourth and goal from the one with 27 seconds left and down by five, would be a career low light for most quarterbacks who have never knocked themselves out for the season after celebrating a TD by head butting the stadium wall.

BUFFALO at Washington (-5.5) On the bright side, 52 Redskins survived the week.

DETROIT at Minnesota (-3.5) The NFC allowing the Vikings to jump back into the playoff race is a taint the conference won't soon recover from.

HOUSTON at Tennessee (-3.5) I know I've said it before, but since a daily parade of Google searchers have yet to process the information: MATT SCHAUB IS STILL NOT JEWISH!

Jacksonville at INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) This year Manning has more national commercials than Garrard does interceptions.

JETS at Miami (-1) Considering Miami almost did it last Monday, I think the zero-zero tie scenario is very much in play.

SAN DIEGO at Kansas City (+5.5) Considering that Umbrella song with the nonsensical stuttering noises makes me want to kick myself in the shin and then start shooting people, I'm really surprised I like the (new?) song from Rihanna, Shut Up And Drive. Then I realized this is because the song is basically Blue Monday, amped up and with different lyrics. Obviously, the same can not be said about the Kansas City Chiefs.

Seattle at PHILADELPHIA (-3) Has ever a fan base prayed so long and hard for their longtime pro-bowl QB to remain injured?

San Fransisco at CAROLINA (-3) When I was watching Duke play basketball on TV the other night I noticed the Blue Devils have become so aggressive in their whiteness that they have taken to only recruiting players with blond hair. They are like the exact opposite of everything John Thompson was trying to do in the 80's.

Cleveland at ARIZONA (-1) The curious thing about the just released tape of Tony LaRussa's DUI arrest is that he barely blows over the legal limit on multiple tests and seems fairly coherent. Yet (at the two minute mark) he has no ability to recite the alphabet forwards. Seriously raising the possibility LaRussa is a baseball savant who doesn't know the English alphabet.

DENVER at Oakland (+3.5) This is not a game that should be watched by people.

Tampa Bay at NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) For the second straight year Florida and the Gulf Coast have escaped the hurricane season unharmed. Which is a bonanza for all those who love news stories about toxic Chinese toys and missing white women.

GIANTS at Chicago (+1.5) Somewhat lost in all the Manning family stuff is how truly awful Eli is.

CINCINNATI at Pittsburgh (-7) Think of the Slip 'n Slide inspired celebratory fun Chad Johnson could have had if he was playing in the Heinz Field debacle last week. And just being able to make a move up field would have been cause for celebration.

NEW ENGLAND at Baltimore (+20.5) Watch the Ravens try to make it out of the first quarter!