In truth, I've lost interest in "showering" before

So I signed up for Facebook a couple weeks ago because I had heard it is a network of drunken college girls doing sexy things that will later disqualify them from ever holding a position in proper society.

It turns out that, for me at least, this couldn't be further from the truth. Now I will have to figure out another way to relive the college experience I never really had.

Instead of the thongs and nip slips and chicks making out that the "media" promised me, Facebook is all about being informed that your Facebook friends have updated their profile or photo, and/or made other Facebook friends. Sometimes Facebook users write little messages on each other's walls, or poke each other (the Internet version of saying "what's up" as you pass in the hall), or challenge one another to movie quizzes. These activities are actually far more interesting than they may seem to the uninitiated. Although it is possible this thrill I speak of begins to ween after you have been on the social networking site for more than a couple of weeks.

But once in a while, amongst the banalities, something jumps out. Like this update I recently received:

It's not like she said she lost interest in "breathing." Still, this sounds like a profound cry for help. Being that I'm new to this, I'm not sure what my obligations as a Facebook friend are. If anybody knows the protocol I'm all ears.