Friday, January 11, 2008

Divisional playoff picks

Great week for the NFL, with all sorts of interesting teams and the Seattle Seahawks matching up against each other in the divisional playoffs. Last week I went 4-0 overall, and 3-1 against that pesky spread. Here are the picks:

Seattle at Green Bay (-7.5)
With it snowing in Baghdad, one can only imagine what the weather is going to be like Green Bay. Actually, I have no idea but -- did you hear -- Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm up pants to keep his leg loose! I'm little baffled as to why this is even noteworthy. Why wouldn't a kicker do such a thing? Yet the Internet told me about it ten times this week. Speaking of kickers, the Packers is named Mason Crosby. That's the perfect name for the handsome industrialist villain on a soap opera. The evil industrialist would wear an eye patch and the Packers will prevail 31-17.

Jacksonville at New England (-13)
On this one, everyone is like "I'm picking the Jags because nobody is going to hold it against me if New England wins." I can't stand that logic. First of all, if people started holding bad football picks against each other the social order would disintegrate pretty quickly. Secondly, if you picked Jacksonville, and the Patriots prevail, I'm going to hold it against you because this is the lock of the week. The Patriots only vulnerability is susceptibility to passes up the middle, and the Jaguars are perhaps the best run and screen team in football. Obviously Jags' coach Jack Del Rio has access to video tape, and will likely try to incorporate more down field passing. So what you have here is one of the best teams of all-time playing at home against a pretty good team playing away from their strength. New England gallops 45-10.

San Diego at Indianapolis (-9)
Somewhat obscured by Hillary's tears, San Diego Coach Norv Turner welled up after San Diego's victory last week. Granted, recent history suggests a playoff win was something neither Turner nor the Chargers would ever see, but crying because you beat the Titans in the Wild Card? How is Turner going to express his happiness if his team upsets the Colts? Will he punch himself in the face? Ritual cutting? What if they win the Super Bowl? I sure wouldn't want to be standing next to him. Let's not even worry about that, because the Colts nick the Chargers 31-28.

New York at Dallas (-7.5)
I had thought the controversy about Tony Romo's bye-week south-of-the-border jaunt with Jessica Simpson was much ado about nothing until today, when I spotted pictures of Jessica's little sister Ashley and her somewhat famous rocker-type boyfriend hanging out in Costa Rica. Suddenly it dawned on me. This has Joe Simpson written all over it. The creepy stage dad must have weaseled his way into some sort of package deal for early January Central American vacations, and then told his daughter/clients that they could go as long as they brought a date who would increase the numbers of photographers following them down there. It's part of his perverted plot for his daughters to completely dominate all adolescence boy wall space. Meaning Tony Romo is merely part of a planned progression that previously included silicon breasts, collagen lip injections and lad mag spreads. Meaning Romo, the man who holds the most prestigious position in all of American sports, has been reduced to a photo-op stop on a journey which will end in hardcore pornography. Shame on Tony Romo. And Jason Witten too. Giants win 24-23.

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