Thursday, March 27, 2008

Knut is having a tough time

When he was a cub, Knut the polar bear was the biggest thing to hit Germany since the Third Reich. But, like most child stars, his transition towards adulthood has been awkward to say the least. No longer cute and cuddly, Knut is quickly morphing into the pin-headed predator he was always destined to be.

Yet the one-and-a-half year old arctic mammal only knows the spotlight, and craves it always. His zoo keeper claims that Knut has become a "publicity-addicted psycho," who is now too dangerous to have direct contact with the humans whose attention he can't live without.

Unlike his child star brethren in the upright world, Knut lacks the opposable thumbs and vocal chords that would lend themselves to heroin binges, wrecked cars and abusive tirades towards sales clerks and personal assistants. Try as he might, Knut shocks no one when he flashes his genitals.

Instead his anger and confusion festers in a rapidly expanding frame. All Knut can do is whimper, howl, and rage violently at the youth his jaded soul will never again allow him to appreciate. Only to be thwarted by a three inch plate of safety glass and the fog of existential dread.

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