Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The results are in and Britney wins again

Each year, in the beginning of December, Yahoo! provides a report on the annum's top searches. This year the Internet service company has abstained from providing a list of top overall searches, instead offering up only top ten lists in narrow categories such as News Stories, Environmental Searches and Celebrity Downslides.

I can only speculate that this is a misguided attempt to class up the Internet by implying there could be as many people searching for information on recycling as there are looking for images of Paris Hilton's Hilton's vagina.

But it doesn't fool me, and I noticed the Celebrity Downslide list most resembles last year's top ten overall list. So, like I did in '06, I will analyze these results, and assess each searched term's prospect for search engine success in '08.

10. Owen Wilson
In 2007 it was revealed that Owen Wilson is a tragic clown, as a half-hearted suicide attempt stripped all the sheen from the Butterscotch Stallion's happy-go-lucky veneer. Expect Wilson to rebound in 2008 by appearing in quirky film roles opposite Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Also expect critics to finally recognize the existential pain Wilson brings to his seemingly flimsy characters. While it's doubtful he ends '08 on any top ten search lists, Wilson's chance for Oscar gold has increased exponentially.

9. Michael Vick
The bleeding heart and the crazy-marriage-proposal-lady will walk with the human murderer, but the canine killer walks alone. Vick learned this the hard way in 2007. Since he will likely be in prison, his '08 search engine prospects are bleak.

8. Tara Conner
For whatever reason, Yahoo! doesn't recognize the parameters of the Gregorian Calender. Which is why disgraced beauty queen Conner, whose cocaine-addled promiscuity made news in December of '06, makes the '07 top ten list. Although I've advocated hard for Tara's further ubiquity in the past, I will now concede she has been out of the spotlight for too long for an easy comeback. At this point, it would probably take a "leaked" sex tape. And by that I mean a shockingly explicit one, perhaps involving another more famous person or a snake.

7. Rosie O'Donnell
I don't pay a whole lot of attention to Rosie, so I wasn't even aware that in 2007 she "backslid." But I do think Internet user's fascination with Rosie is a historic victory for women everywhere of a certain weight and voice type.

6. Amy Winehouse
If you have Amy Winehouse in your office's "who will die next" pool, it's time to start thinking about who you are going to spend that 50 dollar gift certificate to TGI Friday's on. Where Winehouse ends up on '08's list depends solely on what else is going on during the week she meets the big crack dealer in the sky.

5. Nicole Richie
I'm a little surprised to see Richie so high, as I thought anorexia and terrible driving were becoming passe. The only way I see Richie repeating this position in 2008 is in the unlikely event she gets her hands on a 18-wheeler or an airplane.

4. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I'd never heard of the Disney star until she forgot her clothes on her way to storming the Internet. Former Disney stars Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were able to achieve web fame before they flashed their ladyparts. The fact Hudgens had to reverse that order is a commentary on our times.

3. Anna Nicole Smith
If she returns it's only at number one.

2. Paris Hilton
Having already done the prison thing and the sex tape thing, Paris needs to come up with a new shtick to keep the clicks coming in the coming year. There will be an election in 2008, and Paris isn't averse to getting attention by canoodling with prominent people. My God, I hope she picks Hillary.

1. Britney Spears
A five-time former winner of Yahoo's now retired "most overall searched" distinction, Britney brought it again in 2007. Spears proves crazy isn't static, and will adjust elegantly to life changes, such as new motherhood and divorce. Although I don't think Britney will stray too far from her '07 formula of drunken sex, chocolate cake and child neglect, I do expect Britney to repeat as champion in 2008.

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