And the boys, they say that I´m buena

At JSB, we freely concede a very small, but occasionally influential readership. Here's hoping a certain DC-bred Tennessean is among the called, because I have a tale of woe I'd like to relay in hopes of saving him from the same sad fate.

It it a tale about a dance, a spicy Latin dance -- but not a forbidden one. In fact, this dance was universally encouraged in the summer of '96.

The Macarena was still going strong when I returned to college for my senior year. One night, early in the semester, I was enjoying five dollar pitchers with a group of friends, when a horrible noise came over the bar sound system. It was the song, The Macarena, which had launched the dance craze of the same name.

There was a collective moan as a trashed-up flamenco beat was joined by an insipid lyrical delivery. I turned to my cringing friends and declared. "This Macarena, if it continues, may well bring upon the end of civilization."

My friends laughed and laughed -- some would say it was the perfect cumulation of a 16 year clever streak. Within days I started hearing people repeating what I had declared whenever the Macarena was seen or heard around campus. I began to notice folks were coming up to me, purposely bringing up the Macarena, just so they could hear an encore of my now famous line.

Something about it all did make me a little queasy. Here we were a bunch of Northeastern elite types, condemning the garbage the global culture emits -- the same garbage we played on repeat and dance practiced in front of mirror (in an ironic, kitschy way) before we realized they were doing the same thing in New Delhi and Des Moines (in an ironic, kitschy way.)

But nonetheless, as the Macarena inexplicably continued to gain strength around the world. I really did start to believe we were in serious jeopardy, civilization-wise. Those around me did too. It became clear they were looking to me, the man who first identified the Macarena threat, as the logical candidate to actually save the world from the Macarena. I became known as the "Macarena Guy."

It gave me an incredible sense of importance.

Which lasted until the end of my senior year. By then, even I was beginning to realize civilization might end up winning its struggle with the Macarena.

Without my help.

Interactions between myself and those who used to look to me became a little awkward.

Everybody went their own ways upon graduation and by the five year reunion civilization had marched on and the Macarena was forgotten. At the reunion people kept looking at me like they thought I was crazy, but they couldn't quite figure out why.

I was a pariah.

(Right after the reunion I tried to recapture old glory by warning of the upcoming Ketchup Song, but neither the song or my series of hysterical mass-emails made a dent in the US market.)

I'm sure, by now, most of you know where I'm going with this, and most of you are thinking "This is so ridiculous, Al Gore has a panel of scientists who back up his claim climate change might led to the end of civilization where all you had was a panel of hack comedians to back up your irrelevant claim.

True, true, but just like my hack comedians had once predicted disco would be the end of us all, Al Gore's scientists recently thought it would be a hole in the ozone layer that would do us in. My hack comedians moved right on to the Spice Girls, when it become clear the Macarena wouldn't do the trick, while Al Gore's scientists were breathlessly predicting an ice age in the 70s, * when that's what the big world thermometer was telling them.

I'm not suggesting either my hack comedians or Al Gore's scientists are being dishonest, or even irresponsible. They just get caught up in the hysteria of the day, and start using the hysteria as the starting point when they compile their information. Plus, you don't want to be the guy everyone said blew it on global judgment day, whether it comes Thong Song or high water.

So Al, please heed my advice, you have such a nice legacy with the internet and the Love Story thing. Plus, you got totally robbed in '00. You're a generational prototype, an above-the-fold inventor and a tragic hero. You want to sully it all with this?

Just remember, the guy who threw out that whole 4 out of 5 scientist approved bird flu epidemic scare six months ago was smart enough to remain behind the scenes.


* Judging by these results the carbon crowd really wants to play down the ice age in the 70's thing. And I'm sure the science behind it is quite obsolete. Which is kind of my point. Until they can start making it rain and stop hurricanes, let's not pretend the science on the weather is anywhere close to fully evolved. Now if the carbon crowd claim there wasn't a ice age hysteria in the 70's they are plain lying. I'm just old enough to remember the tail end of it. But don't take my word for it, listen to the first song on the seminal album of that time period. In London Calling's apocalyptic chorus the inevitable Ice Age is mentioned first, before such staples as nuclear war, global starvation and the de-evaluation of machinery. Of course, I'm sure the carbon crowd will tell you Joe Strummer was just another oil company stooge.