Snap judgment: 2006 MTV Music Video Award

Ever watch the Oscars or the Grammys and think to yourself "this really sucks"? If you have, you need to check out the annual MTV Music Video Awards. It will completely change your perspective on awards shows and sucking.

It was with that attitude I took in about 45 minutes of the 2006 MTV Music Video Awards. I was particularly looking forward to being the who-the-hell-are-these-people curmudgeon as MTV inevitably unleashed one flash-in-the-pan no-talent performer after another.

So, I was quite thrown when I turned on the TV and there was Lou Reed singing a song from his Velvet Underground days. Reed looked good for that rock and roll milestone of 64, although his presence had thrown the audience too, and they seemed quite worried.

The show was hosted by Jack Black, a fairly talented, mostly physical comedian who never blinks his eyes. Ever. He also didn't seem to mind that he was performing on a stage that looked, to the television viewer, like two-and-a-half giant penises.

Soon, Black introduced Lil' Kim, who had just been released from prison. The audience cheered her return to freedom. The crowd cheered even louder when Lil' Kim thanked her "peeps" for sticking with her through her incarceration ordeal because, you know, the whole having friends sticking with you when are in prison is something Ivy league music executives and their plus ones can really relate to.

They started giving out awards. I can't remember who won. But I can remember who didn't win. That would be Kanye West. The camera caught each of his smiles-through-gritted-teeth. It would have been nice if Jack Black cracked an "I guess MTV doesn't care about black people joke," but he didn't. No matter, everyone was thinking it.

The lowlight of the evening for me was when 50 cent and LL Cool J were called on to present an award. It started innocently enough. One of them would say "yeah" and then the other one would say "make some noise." This went on for a while, but when they actually started speaking real sentences 50 unleashed a verbal gaffe that will forever change the way I look at the hip-hop-artist.

Describing some sort of musical journey, 50 said "From Texas to Michigan to Detroit to Canada."

Now I have always admired rappers for their flawless senses of geography. And, as a fan of geography myself, it has always pleased me that the typical rapper is so ready and willing to display his geographical skills lyrically. Yet 50's Michigan to Detroit blunder leads me to believe this geographical mastery is nothing more than studio wizardry. A sad day.

In conclusion, I can't say the 2006 MTV Music Video Awards didn't provide me with 45 minutes of commercially punctuated distraction. But I also can't say it was any good.