Winos to outlive us all, look fabulous

Legend has it the Fountain of Youth is in Florida. Anyone who has been to Florida knows this isn't true. Luckily science has been hard at work concocting a new Fountain of Youth which doesn't involve eating dinner at four and getting really old.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School and the National Institute of Aging have discovered a substance found in red wine, resvertrol, considerably expands the lifespan of mice when taken in massive doses.

Combine this finding with the long-held theory -- now backed by startling new monkey comparison photos -- that reducing your caloric intake 30 percent will make you appear younger, and a clear and easy recipe for more-eternal youth emerges.

I'm sure many of you are thinking that's fine and dandy for monkeys and mice, but if the key to living long and looking young is drinking wine and not eating food, why is it that human beings such as Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and all those party girls I went to college with appear to age in dog years?

I suspect throwing up the calories doesn't count. It also takes a few years for the body to adjust to caloric reduction.

Well, I started my low-food-high-wine diet last night. I'm hungry and the room is spinning. I'm not even sure Thunderbird contains resveratrol.