JSB tries its hand at Freakonomics

Yesterday, to gin up attention for the migration of his popular Freakonomics blog to the New York Times, Steven Levitt answered the question If You Were a Terrorist, How Would You Attack. Like many, I was disturbed Levitt would use his finely toned contrarian mind and his brand new access to the paper of record to provide our enemies with a blueprint for what is surely the most market rational terror plan ever conceived. Levitt even opens up the forum for suggestions from the Times's famously well-educated readership!

But, let's face it, pondering the question Levitt posed is something we all do when we are in the privacy of our friends. I found it particularly heartwarming that Levitt came to his final conclusion -- it involved teams of snipers -- after it was suggested by his dear old dad.

I'm also starting to get the feeling the terrorists might not actually hate us. It's possible they merely dislike us. Or what if they really love us, but -- like an awkward confused school boy -- they are still developing the maturity to properly express the depth of their feelings. This analogy would get disturbing if I were to draw it out any further.

Still, better safe than sorry. That's why I would never use this space to remind my al-Qaeda readership how dependent lazy Americans are on their automobiles. And how crippling strikes to all of our nation's motor vehicle departments would grind America to a slothful halt.

Any good jihadi knows of America's atrocious history of race relations. But do they know that these days the only thing preventing America from an all out race-war is the wisdom of Al Sharpton? They didn't hear it here.

I'm sure laughter rings out in the caves of Tora Bora whenever Bin Laden gets his hands on the latest study showing the average American high school student reads English at the level of a Bulgarian fourth grader. Given this, the American university system's continued ability to chug out the leaders and innovators required for the next American century must frustrate and confuse the terrorist mastermind. Is he aware this discrepancy can all be attributed to the efforts of a handful of college professors who snap our know-nothing 18-year olds out of their secondary school funk with tough love and failing grades?

I doubt it. That's why I'm not telling him. And I would never give out any of these professors' home addresses. Even if he asked.