Thursday, September 27, 2007

Further proof that we are losing Europe

It's been a while since Europeans have involved themselves in that time honored tradition of procreation. And their attitude towards the nation state has also gone blase, with Belgians reacting to their country's increasing likelihood of extinction not by raging against the dying of the light, but by offering up their nation on Ebay -- like you would any old junk that has outlived its usefulness and is about to break anyway.

Still, whenever I worry Europe might just give it all up and become a continent of stateless, childless, carbon neutral, cave-dwelling bicyclists, I remember Europeans really love soccer. You have to really, really love soccer to actually watch it, right? And it stands to reason soccer is more exciting when played between nations and with younger people.

But what if Europeans stopped loving soccer? What if they took the lead of the Austrians, who are currently circulating a petition to request their national soccer team be removed from the prestigious European Championship. Austria qualified on account of hosting the event, but their team has been lousy lately, and the Austrians are worried the squad will embarrass their nation.

Wait a minute. Since when was soccer just about winning? I thought part of the fun was embarrassing your nation. Usually by jamming into stadiums so crowded and drunk that everyone is forced to pee on each other and directing nasty chants towards foreigners. Doesn't that all work best when your team is losing?

As they did with the birthing of children, are the overly-civilized Europeans losing their will to be proper soccer fans?

Because then I could see the whole thing crumbling. And it's not fair. We had a deal. They called us arrogant and stupid. We called them odorous and sexually questionable. Everybody had a good time.

So come on Europe. Put on your favorite "football" jersey and hit someone over the head with a bottle. It will keep you young and vibrant. If not for yourselves, do it for us.

What would be the point of even having an axis of weasels if it was made up Chile, Indonesia and Kenya?

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