Week five picks

Last week I went 9-5, bringing my record to a respectable 30-25-7. So you should probably print these out or commit them to memory.

Miami at HOUSTON (-5.5) Worse humiliation: Losing a football game to the Dolphins, or losing a custody hearing to Kevin Federline?

Jacksonville at KANSAS CITY (+2) Kansas City has had the best home record in the league since 2005 despite not being a particularly good team. Or having a particularly consistent roster. Or playing in a dome. Or playing in a stadium with bad turf or tricky winds. Or having intimidating fans. Or playing in a city that is known for its exhausting nightlife. Or having distracting home jerseys . . .

DETROIT at Washington (-3.5) 1-3 Philly's 56-21 pounding of 3-1 Detroit is certainly the anomaly of the year.

CLEVELAND at New England (-17) As shocking as this may seem, I think Randy Moss's stellar performance so far for the Patriots suggests he wasn't giving it his all when he was in Oakland.

CAROLINA at New Orleans (-3.5) Without Deuce McAllister to do the heavy lifting, poor little Reggie Bush is about to be exposed.

Jets at GIANTS (-3.5) In this battle of New York, the Mets will figure out a way to lose.

SEATTLE at Pittsburgh (+5.5) With Hines Ward still injured, the Steelers will have to hope the officials come through for them -- like they did the last time they played the Seahawks.

ARIZONA at St. Louis (+3.5) Six hours after the Cardinals' biggest victory since coming to Arizona, Matt Leinart drinks too much white wine and admits to a national columnist that he is dissatisfied with having to share QB duties with Kurt Warner, and is out of sync with coach Ken Whisenhunt. The next day Leinart claims he doesn't really remember the conversation. Without making any of the homoerotic analogies the kids seem to like so much these days, let's just say there are going to be a lot more reporters waiting for their chance to buy Leinart a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

ATLANTA at Tennessee (-8.5) Don't have much to say about the game, but I'm sure everyone's heart is warmed now that Vick's dogs have been deemed suitable for adoption.

Tampa Bay at INDIANAPOLIS (-10) When your nickname is Cadillac and you "break," the headline writers are going to have their fun.

BALTIMORE at San Francisco (+3.5) Last week, when 49er QB Alex Smith separated his throwing shoulder, he "completely tore both ligaments that connect his shoulder blade to his collarbone." Yet somehow Smith thinks he will be ready to play next week. If he is correct, I will have to reconsider everything I thought I know about things such as "ligament" and "shoulder" and "throwing".

San Diego at DENVER (+1.5) Can Marty Schottenheimer now be declared 2006's coach of the year, in some sort of retroactive, posthumous, vindictive and taunting readjustment?

Chicago at GREEN BAY (-3) Brian Griese is Rex Grossman without the excitement. Which is about as useful as a roller coaster without the excitement.

Dallas at BUFFALO (+10) I'm guessing Wade Phillips still knows all the best places to get wings in Buffalo.